The master of my domain

"Are we there yet?"

"No! Now shut up and relax before something bad happens!"

"But I can't hold it much longer!"

"Well you're going to have to...and you're going to have to stop whining before I go clinically insane."

It was mile 4 of a 7 mile run this morning at 5am. My stomach was threatening a full-fledged rebellion. I was at the end of my psychological rope. I'd try reasoning, bargaining, and ignoring. Sometimes my moody intestines think I work at Burger King- they expect to get things "their way, right away!" Well, at 5am on the train tracks in the middle of nowhere the options seemed pretty limited.

"Look, you can make it 3 more miles, you're over halfway there!"

"No, I can't. And if you push it, I will prove it."

Another clash of wills!

"I gave in last time- remember the depression after I walked the last mile two weeks ago?"

"That was different...this is urgent!"

I actually had set a disappointing precedent by giving in last time. And this was different- we are talking some sweet 'Rhea this time around. And I did crank out a nice time for a 4 mile run on Tuesday morning...

But my bowels underestimated my willpower. After all, I am the master of my domain! I debated punching myself in the stomach as a show of force. I realized shortly that this idea wouldn't help anyone.

"Look, " I said, "you go ahead and do whatever you want. Poop my pants if you have to. I've made my choice and that's that."

Awed, my bowels were momentarily quieted. I figured one of two things were happening: either my intestines were debating whether or not I was bluffing or they were still in complete shock.

So I completed my run without further ado. It was even a pretty good time! Satisfied with myself, I went the bathroom to honor a previous covenent I'd made with myself. To my surprise, there were my intestines, lips pouting, arms crossed defiantly. "Oh, so now you're going to refuse to make refuse? (Sorry about this, readers, I just couldn't refuse. Oh brother, there I go again...)

"Well go ahead, be passive aggressive! I don't care. You can hit me at work. You can hit me in the middle of a counseling session. I don't care. YOU WILL CAPITULATE."

And so it is that the master of his domain goes to work with trepidation this morning.