Transitions

Whew, what a week!

The theme of our season seems to be "transition." In basketball, the idea of transitioning is simple: you are switching from offense to defense (or vice versa). But the differences between offense and defense are concrete. It doesn't take much explanation for players to understand "now we have the ball- stop defending and try to score!" I wish it was delineated so basically everywhere else in my life.

This week 'E' started kindergarten and Joy went back to work. Joy and I knew that this year would look different- but I just didn't know what to expect. I have been digesting the new routine and trying to make some kind of plan for how we'll survive this time. It's pretty hectic times. I'm up at 4:30am to run most days now- and utterly crashing at 10:30pm. Joy keeps a similar schedule.

We're used to making compromises. So the house isn't as clean. So the lawn is overgrown. So the laundry isn't done and folded. Etc. Etc. But this week the compromises rose to a new level. This isn't as simple as giving up cable anymore. We are both working full-time jobs: that means someone else is playing a role in raising our kids. I think this eats at Joy and I in different ways.

For Joy, I think the tension involves missing out on things and feeling like she isn't available to be with the kids when they need her. Example: 'E' will be going to the rec center after school. I think she would prefer he be able to come home and she could help him with homework. I don't think she wants this for herself, necessarily; rather, her heart aches that 'E' can't just come home after long days filled with his own transitions. She's an amazing mother and wife. I think part of being what she is is the desire to do things she just isn't able to do right now.

For me, the tension involves feeling like I'm not providing sufficiently. This might be a very masculine idea- some of you might feel like it's dated or irrelevant in this day and age. But I wrestle with thoughts like, Am I doing enough? Why can't I make enough money for my wife to stay home? Does she have to work because I don't have enough to provide? I seriously doubt most of you will understand this kind of pressure. I am not sure I understand it- it's just where I am this week.

Now, I understand that Joy was deliberately designed by God to work with kids. She's an incredible teacher. For her to walk away from her career would be akin to an excellent preacher abandoning the pulpit; I really do view her as a domestic missionary. Love springs forth from her into all places at all times. The Christian believers amongst you will understand it as a "fruit of the spirit." She really has it, and it is powerful. I'm not asking her to walk away from that. If and when she does, that will be her decision (made collaboratively as a teammate).

What I am lamenting is the fact that financial reality prevents her from quitting, or even working part-time, right now. If I made more money...

And so the stage was set for an intimate encounter with God this week. I have been praying A LOT this week. Praying about my kids, praying about Joy's job, praying about our finances, and praying about our future. It went something like this:

me: "God, I don't know what to do. I am working hard, and still feel like I can't make enough to let Joy stay home. What do you want me to do- I will get another job, I will work weekends and evenings, I will ask for a raise...just tell me what you want me to do to make this happen."

God: "..."

me: "I want to provide this. I don't feel good about this schedule- I don't know if we can do this for a year. "

God: "..."

me: (angrily) "Look, YOU gave me this urge to provide for my family. I accept it, I am willing to do it- just show me how. Just tell me what to do and I will do it. It is my job. I want to do my job. Why can't you just help me do my job and let me provide!?"

God: "It isn't your job."

me: "..."


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When I "hear" God, it isn't an audible voice. I don't hear it with my ears. It's not really a voice at all. It's very similar to a thought. But I know it from a thought in that it is clear and concise. Much more clear than any of my thoughts. It's always been gentle, but firm and matter-of-fact.

I was quiet after that. I realized what God was telling me was true: it is not my job to provide. It is my job to listen to Him, and to obey. Joy and I are not on our own to solve this problem. If I obey Him, He will provide. He may not provide what I expect or in a way I expect, but he will provide "enough." Enough, you ask? Enough is not a stockpile. Enough is not a pantry full. Enough is enough when it is enough for right now, for this moment, and hopefully for today.

This "lone wolf" mentality I sometimes have is wrong. It is dead wrong. It boils down to a refusal to trust and obey God. It represents rebellion and sin inside me. This mindset in me is like one of those prank birthday cake candles- you can extinguish it temporarily, but as soon as you stop blowing on it the flame automatically rekindles. You have to keep blowing it out.

So that's "what's up" with me this week. Once again, as He has countless times before, God met me in the place where I was. The flame of rebellion and the illusion of independence was extinguished once more. I don't know if the flame will ever stop relighting inside me. But I do believe, more than I believe any other thing, that He will keep coming for me. That nothing will ever prevent Him from being there when I need Him- even my own failures to recognize that I need Him.