discernment drama

We had some weird drama at work this week. We ended up firing two counselors: one for wildly unethical practices and one for being a psycho. No, really, she was quite crazy. In fact, my assessment is that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. There were two things that made the terminations (especially the crazy lady) difficult for me: 1) the woman evidently was spreading some weird rumors about me that surfaced just before she was terminated, and 2) I was part of the team that hired her.

And this is the strange part: when we hired her (only six months ago!) I was sold on her. Everything told me that she was an incredible clinician who would help our organization. And even more stunning: I felt like I was being obedient to the Lord??

Admittedly, I'm pretty new at "listening" to the Lord and even newer at trying to "obey." But there have been a few times when I was absolutely certain that the Lord was telling me to do something, leading me in a particular direction, or giving me a particular feeling. And when we interviewed this lady I was SURE that she was the right one. Furthermore, I was absolutely SURE that she was a Christian. I just knew it. It was as clear to me as the smell of bacon, or the smell of baking cookies- how do you describe those smells? You just know them, right? I knew in my heart that this woman was a believer. Before she even spoke I knew it and I was convinced.

And despite that I felt dubious about simply granting her the position. But she put my anxieties at ease by acing the interview. She had good experience, she had solid references, and she sold us. Not just me but a team of my colleagues. We unanimously voted to hire her. For some reason I kept my secret intuition to myself.

A few weeks after she started we were talking and she shared that she was a new believer. She shared with me how Jesus changed her life. I was dumbstruck. I felt like saying, "Yeah, I already knew that." Instead I settled for telling her that I felt like I had sensed she was a believer. It served to confirm the sense I had during the interview.

But a little while later I saw her interacting with others in a distinctly "not Christian," manner. I was taken aback. I was disappointed, I was alarmed, and I was confused. Why did I feel this way? I wasn't about to "throw the first stone." But I was torn between my desire to confront her and point out the incongruence between her behavior and her stated beliefs (this may have been the counselor in me) and my desire to just write her off. I didn't want to be judgmental, and I really didn't want to be percieved as judgmental! But I didn't like that she had made it known throughout the workplace that she was a "Christian," and then she was acting in a blatantly sinful way. A part of me felt indignant; like, Hey, I had to give that stuff up so you should too!

I felt troubled. And when I feel troubled, I withdraw. So I withdrew and watched everything from afar. It became more and more clear that she was not "producing fruit." And this is where I made my mistake. Instead of "staging a rescue" or trying to intervene (this sounds dramatic, but probably would have looked like me taking her to lunch or making time to just check-in with her) I decided that I'd been wrong about her. And I basically "wrote her off."

A short time later her employment was terminated. And I'm left wondering what happened and trying to sort out my regrets. I really can't make sense of it all. Sadly, I suspect that maybe I was listening to God when we hired her and then when being obedient would have been hard (READ: required me to "put it out there") I was too much of a wuss to do anything. I'm sure I was right on when I sensed she was a Christian. There's no way to describe how certain I was.

I don't have the answers. It's hard, though. It's hard to know what to do and know what to say. But I feel bad that she's gone now and I probably missed my chance to be "hands and feet," to her.