The doc finally cleared me to wear contacts and stop taking the medicine. Thanks for the prayers and PTL!
Another thought about parenting: what we're after as parents is development of specific traits/characteristics. There are two types of outcomes in parenting- developmental and performance outcomes. Developmental outcomes are internally developed (i.e. a love of reading, a sense of humor, an appreciation for learning, etc). Performance outcomes are external measures of success (i.e. graduating from high school, complying with rules, etc.).
Many parents get lost measuring their efficacy as parents by the performance of their children. Hence, as long as the kid is getting the grade, making the team, or generally high-achieving the parents feel they have been successful. Conversely, if a kid didn't make the team, is struggling academically, etc. then they feel they must be inadequate parents. This is not the way I want to measure my skills as a parent.
My aspiration is to build skills which will internally drive the child to meet the performance outcomes. In other words, the performance measures are not viewed as "the end," but as a by-product of the development of desirable traits. For example, I want my kids to respect authority. If they don't break the law, but don't respect authority, then I have failed.
Today I've wrestled alot with this topic. Do I want my kids complying with me out of fear? Do I want my kids to fear me? Is this the same as respect for me? I can tell you that without fear of some consequence I'd rarely gain Ian's compliance. It's like I can see the wheels turning in his mind, as if he's thinking, what is the cost of this? Luke, on the other hand, is devastated by any disapproving gesture.
I guess I should heed my own advice: treat these kids as individuals, and work towards what is best for each of them. Also, to allow myself room for errors. And to remember the grace God has extended to me when I am upset with them. And, and, and...
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If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream...
2 comments:
Glad your eye is better!! As for what you've said about your kids fearing you, Christian is very stern with Noah. He gets right down to business with him when he is being deliberately disobedient. And we often talk about how there HAVE to be consequences to actions for our children, otherwise what happens when they grow up and decide they just don't want to obey the law? JAIL. Or worse. Anyway, Noah ADORES Christian. I am amazed at it. Even though Christian disciplines Noah more (timeouts, lower voice, more intimidating than me), Noah clings to him. I can see that God is working behind the scenes in everything. Boys love their dads, respect their dads. Even though dads are often times more intimidating than moms, boys are fascinated with them and want to be just like them. It's seriously special to watch. Makes me think we are doing something right!
That's awesome! There is something amazing about fathers and fatherhood.
I think balance is crucial, but kids generally want structure. They want to know what the rules are, and they need to know what to expect for violating the rules. There are plenty of ways to do this, but as long as the way you've chosen is implemented consisently it's probably good enough.
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