There is no "right way" when it comes to parenting. EVERY child is different, sometimes vastly different.
Spanking is dangerous for a few reasons:
1) It's too easy to spank out of anger.
2) It shows children "might is right."
3) Spanking is rarely a "logical, natural consequence." Too often, spanking is perceived (by the child) as a punishment for a behavior (retaliation) rather than a consequence of a behavior.
Dr. Dobson would probably say "reasoning" (the method Tammy described) has dangers as well:
1) A strong-willed or manipulative child could take advantage of such a system.
2) It leaves room for wonder regarding "who is the boss." Dr. Dobson would say this kind of ambiguity is dangerous for children. He would say parents should be "benevolent dictators" rather than operatives within a democratic system.
Then again, I often disagree with Dr. Dobson.
The best approach is to keep in mind that parenting/discipline shouldn't be viewed in terms of "right and wrong." Since the purpose of parenting is to safely transport our children into adulthood and have them confident, capable, and responsible young adults- discipline becomes a matter of sufficiency. For example- if Ian hits Luke, there are multiple ways I can communicate a point to Ian; I can hit him, I can let Luke hit him, I can take something away from him (i.e. suspend privs., time out), I can give something to him (i.e. extra chores), I can give something to Luke and not Ian, I can talk, I can yell, I can make him feel guilty, or I can do nothing. The key is to ask myself what is the point I am trying to communicate and what is the best way to communicate it.
Trust me, the fact that you are thinking about and wrestling with these issues means you are probably doing a sufficient job. Your child is resilient- there are only two mistakes a parent can make that can never be rectified: causing the death of a child or having sex with a child. Think about that. With that understanding, there is a lot less pressure for me to respond "perfectly" in every situation.
My best advice here is to find out what works for your child.
Understand that mistakes will happen. You will get emotional sometimes. You will feel like "nothing works" sometimes. But you will continue doing your best, because giving up isn't an option. (Coincidentally, this is also my advice to myself for Robie Creek)
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If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream...
3 comments:
Thanks for such a thoughtful post on this topic. I was spanked as a child, and you're right-children are resilient and as a grown woman now, I carry no resentment towards my parents because of it. Not sure that it ever altered my behavior or made me a more well mannered child though :)
To your list of irreparable things a parent shouldn't ever do to a child, I'd add abuse in the physical and/or emotional sense. There's a line between scolding and spanking versus abuse, and once that line is crossed, I'm not sure it can ever be erased. Thoughts?
Ooh I love this conversation. It is so helpful and interesting to me to read it. More later. Thanks for writing about it Jeremy! Your opinion is valuable and you are very wise (just like your gramps!)
Wow, I can't hold a candle to my grandfather, but thanks. Such flattery! What makes this conversation important is our collective wisdom. I am learning as much (or more) on this end...
Annette- you are right. Abuse is abuse is abuse.
"The State" defines abuse. In Idaho, if you leave marks on a child it is abuse. I don't think of it that way.
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