Thanks, everyone!
Melissa asked for thoughts on spanking. I was aghast when I saw this, because it's easy to float opinions about nebulous matters when they don't hit close to home...but spanking is not only something that hits close to home for me- it also hits close to work (puns unintended)!
As a counselor, I treat spanking as a gray area. As a parent, I spank my kids on occasion. It's difficult to make a hard and fast ruling about spanking because there are so many variables involved in parenting. I view spanking as one of (hopefully) many tools in a parent's toolbox. Spanking isn't always appropriate- a good parent will have WAY more tools at their disposal than simply hitting their kids.
Now, in the interest of total transparency, I must confess that I am not "the perfect parent." In fact, a good psychologist recently told me "there is no such thing as the perfect parent. We should strive to be 'good enough' parents." For instance, the other night my sons were hitting each other. It was a fight that developed over who would turn on the bath water. The argument escalated until they were hitting one another. My response: I hit them both (because hitting isn't okay). Pretty stupid, I later realized. But the problem was that I was parenting emotionally- I was taking it personally.
to be continued...
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6 comments:
Thanks! I'm excited to see what else you have to say on this topic. I've been reading "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. Dobson and he offers up lots of research (which I like) and explanations about spanking. I feel it should never be done in anger, but that it can be effective. Christian and I were both spanked and neither of us feels it was detrimental...we both think it worked and it did not damage us emotionally.
Dr. Dobson says parents (especially moms) often reason so much with their children that they eventually just end up crying or having a meltdown. All that would be needed is ONE warning, and if the warning wasn't followed, proper action is taken IMMEDIATELY (but not necessarily a spanking). How is yelling and yelling at your child to do something any better or different than a quick swat to the behind? Perhaps I should just blog about it myself, since that's basically what I've already done. Oh well--have you read the book I'm referring to?
First, let me say that I do not think every parent has to think like me. Each child is unique and needs different types of discipline to suit their temperament.
Jada prefers to walk to her own timeouts. She is also afraid of the street (which has been, in my opinion, the only time spanking might be an option for me). So I don't claim to be experienced in anyway with spanking. I agree with Melissa when she says parents often reason too much with their children who end up having a meltdown anyway. This whole parenting business is so confusing at times. I was searching for a more productive reasoning method that doesn't confuse my child or cause more crying and I came across a book (Happiest Toddler on the Block) that talks about how a child's need to be understood is something parents often forget. Jada was having some major meltdowns (yelling, thrashing her body around, running into her room and slamming her door) and I tried this "miracle method" of stating in as few words as possible the emotion she was having - "Jada is mad. Jada is mad." and she would look up at me as if to say, "Yeah I am mad," which calmed her rising tantrum almost right away. Then when she seemed ready to talk I said, "Tell me why you are mad." And finally I gave her a quick reason why we could not watch cartoons right then and lead her to whatever it was we needed to be doing. In no way am I saying this is how everyone should parent, it just worked for me and changed the bad behaviors (hers and mine). Many times I forget to listen to her, react to her emotional state and end up arguing rather than teaching.
We are constantly telling these little people what they can or cannot do. I think it is important to let them win once in a while - "Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that instead." And if our children are acting out we first need to look at ourselves as parents and see what could be affecting the environment we create for our kids. Emotional parenting, as Jeremy talked about, often is brought on when we are tired and overwhelmed (I've been victim to it many times. Daily. You?).
We want to teach our children to be respectful and reasonable human beings. Spanking does not seem to build these internal strengths. Spanking (or hitting) another adult is never okay so why is it reasonable to use that as a teaching tool? Monkey see, monkey do. I know not all kids who were spanked will use physical force to reason, but what does it do to a child to know that you will end up hitting when you mean business, but they get in trouble for the same behavior? I think it is better for the child if you are consistant and respectful of them by validating their emotions and sticking to a plan. "Sorry, mom and dad said no more candy, tv, etc." and "You are very upset. I can't understand your words when you whine/shout. Maybe you need to take five deep breathes/go calm down in your room." And ignore the behavior until they decide to calm down. Then talk back and forth about the issue. Give them your full attention and let them voice their opinion (right or wrong) so they see what it means to listen by watching YOU do it.
Yes, we all want our child to be respectful of us, the rules, and others but they need plenty of practice with mom and dad supporting them and realizing their maturity levels don't give them the convenience of mastery of all aspects of social grace.
Good points ladies. Mel- I have that book. Tami- I'll have to check that one out. I think you told me about it before. I'm not against spanking and I think it can be very effective- and it's most effective if you don't have to do it very much. But (and Mel you might run into this too- since you birth 10 lb babies...although you aren't 5 ft. either...)I quickly realized that once my kids were half the size the size of me, and the proposed immediate little spanking- turned into me trying to tackle him done to the ground while he's trying to escape and we both end up trying not to laugh because it's so physically awkward. Ours respond MUCH more when they have to go to their room and take a break- or when they lose privileges. Last week Ian was naughty at Gramma's house and he's been warned time and time again if he is disrespectful there, he won't be going. So finally- we cashed in on that promise and it was blatant enough for him to clearly recognize the natural consequence and him missing that next week at Gramma's house while brother and sister went- was more effective than any spanking could ever be. Many kids just don't care about spankings anyway. often the strong willed child- is one of them.....
I think the new found method that you were mentioning sounds really effective for you Tami. With my kids- it would be every other minute- anaylizing their new emotion.....SO DRAMATIC! I haven't even raised my girl yet!
But I think your point is right on. Often our kids want to feel validated. I try to do that as well. "It's okay to feel sad about......, but let's talk about how we can say and show that. What's not okay- is kicking and screaming." We use many of these strategies as school as well. Anyway- good talking to you guys! Gotta go make a B-DAy cake for my little 4 pounder who is NOW 5. I can't believe it. The older they get, the easier it is for them to understand all their actions, your responses and everything that falls in between.
...It's worth noting- there are many things adults can and should do that children must never do. In some ways, this reinforces that I am the parent/adult and some things are okay for me to do and not okay for my kids to do.
The funny thing about disciplining kids is that once you feel you find something that works your kid changes into a new stage! Joy and Jer - so glad you have kids slightly older than ours. I'm sure the things I do with Jada at the age of three will be different when we have two (or three) kids at the ages yours are. Having multiple approaches as Jer described is great because being aware of what you want to teach means you are thinking about how to be a good parent. And educating yourself with conversations and books really opens your eyes. Melissa, we just had a little boy and I'm sure we're in for a different type of discipline than we had for a girl. I'll be checking your blog for advice too!
There are somedays I feel like I'm telling Jada what she cannot do all day long. I just try to seek balance with parenting. In my own childhood I wish my emotions would have been validated instead of battled all the time. I just want Jada to know it's normal and okay to feel mad, sad, or happy. She still faces the consequences (time out, taking things away, etc.). I think you can validate your child's feelings while still sticking to the rules you have set as a parent and keeping clear parent/child roles.
Tami-
I agree, it isn't an 'either or' situation. I think different people can implement the same strategy with widely different results. And I think different people can implement different strategies and find the exact same results.
The readers who have identified themselves compose an exciting community with a breadth and depth of knowledge that is both diverse and expansive. I'm glad you're part of it!
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